JOKE OF THE MONTH
Do you have a joke or saying that is funny?
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Do you have a joke or saying that is funny?
Submit it to the webmaster
___________________________________________
January 2024
Time Flies
A drunk man walks inside a bar and says, "Happy New Year, everybody."
"It's June, you drunk," replies the waiter.
The drunk man looks at his watch and says, "Oh my god, my wife is going to kill me! I have never been so late in my life!"
Time Flies
A drunk man walks inside a bar and says, "Happy New Year, everybody."
"It's June, you drunk," replies the waiter.
The drunk man looks at his watch and says, "Oh my god, my wife is going to kill me! I have never been so late in my life!"
Dieting Resolutions:
2020: I will get my weight down below 160 pounds.
2021: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 180 pounds.
2022: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2023: I will work out every day.
2024: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week and eat fewer cookies.
2020: I will get my weight down below 160 pounds.
2021: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 180 pounds.
2022: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2023: I will work out every day.
2024: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week and eat fewer cookies.
Happy New Year 2024!
February 2024
The Game
On an overseas flight, a lawyer and an older man were in adjoining seats. The lawyer asked the senior if he’d like to play a little game. The older man was tired, and he told the lawyer he only wanted to sleep.
But the lawyer insisted the game was a lot of fun. “Here’s how it works,” he said. “I’ll ask you a question. If you can’t come up with the answer, you have to give me a dollar. Then it’s your turn to ask me one. But if I can’t answer it, I have to give you $20.”
The senior figured if he just got this over with, maybe he could get some sleep. So he agreed to play.
The first question from the lawyer was “How far apart are the earth and the moon?”
The senior stayed completely silent, reached for a dollar, and gave it to the lawyer. Then he said, “My turn. What walks upstairs backward and comes downstairs forward?”
The lawyer was stumped. He thought and thought. He tried to remember all the riddles he knew. He searched every corner of his brain. He even cheated and asked the flight attendants and other passengers.
Finally he gave up. He woke up the older man and gave him a twenty. The senior stuffed the twenty in his coat and went immediately back to sleep.
The lawyer couldn’t stand it. He woke up the older man and said, “I have to know. What walks upstairs backward and comes downstairs forward?”
The senior got out his wallet, gave the lawyer a dollar, and went back to sleep.
The Game
On an overseas flight, a lawyer and an older man were in adjoining seats. The lawyer asked the senior if he’d like to play a little game. The older man was tired, and he told the lawyer he only wanted to sleep.
But the lawyer insisted the game was a lot of fun. “Here’s how it works,” he said. “I’ll ask you a question. If you can’t come up with the answer, you have to give me a dollar. Then it’s your turn to ask me one. But if I can’t answer it, I have to give you $20.”
The senior figured if he just got this over with, maybe he could get some sleep. So he agreed to play.
The first question from the lawyer was “How far apart are the earth and the moon?”
The senior stayed completely silent, reached for a dollar, and gave it to the lawyer. Then he said, “My turn. What walks upstairs backward and comes downstairs forward?”
The lawyer was stumped. He thought and thought. He tried to remember all the riddles he knew. He searched every corner of his brain. He even cheated and asked the flight attendants and other passengers.
Finally he gave up. He woke up the older man and gave him a twenty. The senior stuffed the twenty in his coat and went immediately back to sleep.
The lawyer couldn’t stand it. He woke up the older man and said, “I have to know. What walks upstairs backward and comes downstairs forward?”
The senior got out his wallet, gave the lawyer a dollar, and went back to sleep.
March 2024
Where's the engineer?
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to hell."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they’ve got air-conditioning and flush toilets, escalators, elevators and so on ... and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, The Lord calls Satan on the telephone.
"So, how's it going down there in hell?" The Lord says.
"Hey, things are going great. We've got air-conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. There's no telling what our engineer is going to come up with next!" Satan says.
"What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should have never gotten down there. Send him back immediately!" The Lord says.
"No way! I like having an engineer on the staff — I'm keeping him!" Satan says.
"Send him back up here or I'll sue!" The Lord says.
Satan laughs uproariously and answers:
"Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
Where's the engineer?
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to hell."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they’ve got air-conditioning and flush toilets, escalators, elevators and so on ... and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, The Lord calls Satan on the telephone.
"So, how's it going down there in hell?" The Lord says.
"Hey, things are going great. We've got air-conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. There's no telling what our engineer is going to come up with next!" Satan says.
"What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should have never gotten down there. Send him back immediately!" The Lord says.
"No way! I like having an engineer on the staff — I'm keeping him!" Satan says.
"Send him back up here or I'll sue!" The Lord says.
Satan laughs uproariously and answers:
"Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
April 2024
Another Engineer
A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
Another Engineer
A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
Additional April Amusement:
May 2024
The Dress
Struggling to make ends meet on a first-call salary, the pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this?!"
"I was outside the store looking at the dress in the window, and then I found myself trying it on," she explained. "It was like Satan was whispering in my ear, 'You look fabulous in that dress. Buy it!'"
"Well," the pastor replied, "You know how I deal with that kind of temptation. I say, 'Get behind me, Satan!'"
"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said, 'It looks fabulous from back here, too!'"
The Dress
Struggling to make ends meet on a first-call salary, the pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this?!"
"I was outside the store looking at the dress in the window, and then I found myself trying it on," she explained. "It was like Satan was whispering in my ear, 'You look fabulous in that dress. Buy it!'"
"Well," the pastor replied, "You know how I deal with that kind of temptation. I say, 'Get behind me, Satan!'"
"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said, 'It looks fabulous from back here, too!'"
June 2024
The Taxi Ride
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.
For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver — I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
The Taxi Ride
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.
For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver — I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
July 2024
Snake and Frog
I went fishing this morning, but after a short time, I ran out of worms. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth snake with a frog in his mouth.
“Frogs are good bass bait,” I thought to myself.
Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth; I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog from his mouth, and put it in my bait bucket.
Just then, I realized I had a problem, how was I going to release the snake without getting bit?
So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniel’s and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. The snakes' eyes rolled back and he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog as bait.
A little later, I felt a nudge at my foot. There was that same snake with two more frogs in his mouth.
Life is good in the South.
Snake and Frog
I went fishing this morning, but after a short time, I ran out of worms. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth snake with a frog in his mouth.
“Frogs are good bass bait,” I thought to myself.
Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth; I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog from his mouth, and put it in my bait bucket.
Just then, I realized I had a problem, how was I going to release the snake without getting bit?
So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniel’s and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. The snakes' eyes rolled back and he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog as bait.
A little later, I felt a nudge at my foot. There was that same snake with two more frogs in his mouth.
Life is good in the South.
August 2024
Young Minds
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?”
“Eight”, the boy replied.
The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”
The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four.”
“Oh, really?” the pharmacist replied with a grin.
“Yes.” The boy said. “We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do none of those.”
Young Minds
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?”
“Eight”, the boy replied.
The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”
The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four.”
“Oh, really?” the pharmacist replied with a grin.
“Yes.” The boy said. “We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do none of those.”
September 2024
Two Cajun Pastors
Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time Pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the Minister of the Covenant Church across the road.
They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground that read:
‘Da End is Near, Turn Yo Sef ‘Roun Now Afore It Be Too Late!’
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, ‘You religious nuts!’
From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash….
Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, ‘Do ya tink maybe da sign should jussay….
‘Bridge Out?’
Two Cajun Pastors
Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time Pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the Minister of the Covenant Church across the road.
They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground that read:
‘Da End is Near, Turn Yo Sef ‘Roun Now Afore It Be Too Late!’
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, ‘You religious nuts!’
From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash….
Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, ‘Do ya tink maybe da sign should jussay….
‘Bridge Out?’
October 2024
The Buddhist Loves Tofu Hot Dogs
"Make me one with everything," says the Buddhist to the tofu hot dog vendor.
Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a $20 bill.
The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer.
The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, "Where is my change?"
The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."
The Buddhist Loves Tofu Hot Dogs
"Make me one with everything," says the Buddhist to the tofu hot dog vendor.
Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a $20 bill.
The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer.
The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, "Where is my change?"
The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."
November 2024
Thanksgiving Miracle
For the past 15 years, Bob and Martha have been married. Bob used to wake up every morning for the past 15 years, release gas loudly and proudly, roll onto his back, and got out of bed to go to work.
And every morning for the past 15 years, Martha has told him, “One of these days, you’re going to gas your guts out!”
But this has had no effect on Bob, who has gone about his morning routine as usual.
Martha is fed up with this, and one Thanksgiving morning, when she awoke early to get things ready, she had a prank idea while preparing the turkey.
She crept upstairs before Bob got up and stuffed the turkey innards into his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself.
Bob awoke later that morning with glee and went through his usual morning ritual.
As Bob jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom, Martha heard a scream.
She laughed to herself, but when Bob didn’t come out of the bathroom for a long time, she became concerned.
So she dashed upstairs and was about to knock on the bathroom door when Bob opened it and emerged, as pale as a ghost.
He said, “You were right, honey, you were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again.”
Thanksgiving Miracle
For the past 15 years, Bob and Martha have been married. Bob used to wake up every morning for the past 15 years, release gas loudly and proudly, roll onto his back, and got out of bed to go to work.
And every morning for the past 15 years, Martha has told him, “One of these days, you’re going to gas your guts out!”
But this has had no effect on Bob, who has gone about his morning routine as usual.
Martha is fed up with this, and one Thanksgiving morning, when she awoke early to get things ready, she had a prank idea while preparing the turkey.
She crept upstairs before Bob got up and stuffed the turkey innards into his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself.
Bob awoke later that morning with glee and went through his usual morning ritual.
As Bob jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom, Martha heard a scream.
She laughed to herself, but when Bob didn’t come out of the bathroom for a long time, she became concerned.
So she dashed upstairs and was about to knock on the bathroom door when Bob opened it and emerged, as pale as a ghost.
He said, “You were right, honey, you were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again.”
December 2024
A Busy Day in Bethlehem
And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused wife, who was great with child. And she brought forth a son and wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger because there was no room for them in the inn.
And the angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said, "I bring you tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a Savior, which is Christ the Lord." "There's a problem with the angel," said a Pharisee who happened to be strolling by. As he explained to Joseph, angels are widely regarded as religious symbols, and the stable was on public property where such symbols were not allowed to land or even hover. "And I have to tell you, this whole thing looks to me very much like a Nativity scene," he said sadly. "That's a no-no, too."
Joseph had a bright idea. "What if I put a couple of reindeer over there near the ox and ass?" he said, eager to avoid sectarian strife. "That would definitely help," said the Pharisee, who knew as well as anyone that whenever a savior appeared, judges usually liked to be on the safe side and surround it with deer or woodland creatures of some sort. "Just to clinch it, throw in a candy cane and a couple of elves and snowmen, too," he said. "No court can resist that."
Mary asked, "What does my son's birth have to do with snowmen?" "Snowpersons," cried a young woman, changing the subject before it veered dangerously toward religion. Off to the side of the crowd, a Philistine was painting the Nativity scene. Mary complained that she and Joseph looked too tattered and worn in the picture. "Artistic license," he said. "I've got to show the plight of the haggard homeless in a greedy, uncaring society in winter," he quipped. "We're not haggard or homeless. The inn was just full," said Mary. "Whatever," said the painter.
Rum pa pum pum. Two women began to argue fiercely. One said she objected to Jesus' birth "because it privileged motherhood." The other scoffed at virgin births, but said that if they encouraged more attention to diversity in family forms and the rights of single mothers, well, then, she was all for them. "I'm not a single mother," Mary started to say, but she was cut off by a third woman who insisted that swaddling clothes are a form of child abuse, since they restrict the natural movement of babies.
With the arrival of 10 child advocates, all trained to spot infant abuse and manger rash, Mary and Joseph were pushed to the edge of the crowd, where arguments were breaking out over how many reindeer (or what mix of reindeer and seasonal sprites) had to be installed to compensate for the infant's unfortunate religious character. An older man bustled up, bowling over two merchants, who had been busy debating whether an elf is the same as a fairy and whether the elf/fairy should be shaking hands with Jesus in the crib or merely standing to the side, jumping around like a sports mascot. "I'd hold off on the reindeer," the man said, explaining that the use of asses and oxen as picturesque backdrops for Nativity scenes carries the subliminal message of human dominance. He passed out two leaflets, one denouncing manger births as invasions of animal space, the other arguing that stables are "penned environments" where animals are incarcerated against their will. He had no opinion about elves or candy canes.
Signs declaring "Free the Bethlehem 2" began to appear, referring to the obviously exploited ass and ox. Someone said the halo on Jesus' head was elitist. Mary was exasperated. "And what about you, old mother?" she said sharply to an elderly woman. "Are you here to attack the shepherds as prison guards for excluded species, maybe to complain that singing in Latin identifies us with our Roman oppressors, or just to say that I should have skipped patriarchal religiosity and joined some dumb new-age goddess religion?" "None of the above," said the woman, "I just wanted to tell you that the Magi are here."
Sure enough, the three wise men rode up. The crowd gasped, "They're all male!" And "Not very multicultural!" "Balthasar here is black," said one of the Magi. "Yes, but how many of you are gay or disabled?" someone shouted. A committee was quickly formed to find an impoverished lesbian wise-person among the halt and lame of Bethlehem.
A calm voice said, "Be of good cheer, Mary, you have done well and your son will change the world." At last, a sane person, Mary thought. She turned to see a radiant and confident female face. The woman spoke again: "There is one thing, though. Religious holidays are important, but can't we learn to celebrate them in ways that unite, not divide? For instance, instead of all this business about 'Gloria in Excelsis Deo,' why not just 'Season's Greetings'?" Mary said, "You mean my son has entered human history to deliver the message, 'Hello, it's winter'?" "That's harsh, Mary," said the woman. "Remember, your son could make it big in midwinter festivals, if he doesn't push the religion thing too far. Centuries from now, in nations yet unborn, people will give each other pricey gifts and have big office parties on his birthday. That's not chopped liver." "Let me get back to you," Mary said.
A Busy Day in Bethlehem
And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused wife, who was great with child. And she brought forth a son and wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger because there was no room for them in the inn.
And the angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said, "I bring you tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a Savior, which is Christ the Lord." "There's a problem with the angel," said a Pharisee who happened to be strolling by. As he explained to Joseph, angels are widely regarded as religious symbols, and the stable was on public property where such symbols were not allowed to land or even hover. "And I have to tell you, this whole thing looks to me very much like a Nativity scene," he said sadly. "That's a no-no, too."
Joseph had a bright idea. "What if I put a couple of reindeer over there near the ox and ass?" he said, eager to avoid sectarian strife. "That would definitely help," said the Pharisee, who knew as well as anyone that whenever a savior appeared, judges usually liked to be on the safe side and surround it with deer or woodland creatures of some sort. "Just to clinch it, throw in a candy cane and a couple of elves and snowmen, too," he said. "No court can resist that."
Mary asked, "What does my son's birth have to do with snowmen?" "Snowpersons," cried a young woman, changing the subject before it veered dangerously toward religion. Off to the side of the crowd, a Philistine was painting the Nativity scene. Mary complained that she and Joseph looked too tattered and worn in the picture. "Artistic license," he said. "I've got to show the plight of the haggard homeless in a greedy, uncaring society in winter," he quipped. "We're not haggard or homeless. The inn was just full," said Mary. "Whatever," said the painter.
Rum pa pum pum. Two women began to argue fiercely. One said she objected to Jesus' birth "because it privileged motherhood." The other scoffed at virgin births, but said that if they encouraged more attention to diversity in family forms and the rights of single mothers, well, then, she was all for them. "I'm not a single mother," Mary started to say, but she was cut off by a third woman who insisted that swaddling clothes are a form of child abuse, since they restrict the natural movement of babies.
With the arrival of 10 child advocates, all trained to spot infant abuse and manger rash, Mary and Joseph were pushed to the edge of the crowd, where arguments were breaking out over how many reindeer (or what mix of reindeer and seasonal sprites) had to be installed to compensate for the infant's unfortunate religious character. An older man bustled up, bowling over two merchants, who had been busy debating whether an elf is the same as a fairy and whether the elf/fairy should be shaking hands with Jesus in the crib or merely standing to the side, jumping around like a sports mascot. "I'd hold off on the reindeer," the man said, explaining that the use of asses and oxen as picturesque backdrops for Nativity scenes carries the subliminal message of human dominance. He passed out two leaflets, one denouncing manger births as invasions of animal space, the other arguing that stables are "penned environments" where animals are incarcerated against their will. He had no opinion about elves or candy canes.
Signs declaring "Free the Bethlehem 2" began to appear, referring to the obviously exploited ass and ox. Someone said the halo on Jesus' head was elitist. Mary was exasperated. "And what about you, old mother?" she said sharply to an elderly woman. "Are you here to attack the shepherds as prison guards for excluded species, maybe to complain that singing in Latin identifies us with our Roman oppressors, or just to say that I should have skipped patriarchal religiosity and joined some dumb new-age goddess religion?" "None of the above," said the woman, "I just wanted to tell you that the Magi are here."
Sure enough, the three wise men rode up. The crowd gasped, "They're all male!" And "Not very multicultural!" "Balthasar here is black," said one of the Magi. "Yes, but how many of you are gay or disabled?" someone shouted. A committee was quickly formed to find an impoverished lesbian wise-person among the halt and lame of Bethlehem.
A calm voice said, "Be of good cheer, Mary, you have done well and your son will change the world." At last, a sane person, Mary thought. She turned to see a radiant and confident female face. The woman spoke again: "There is one thing, though. Religious holidays are important, but can't we learn to celebrate them in ways that unite, not divide? For instance, instead of all this business about 'Gloria in Excelsis Deo,' why not just 'Season's Greetings'?" Mary said, "You mean my son has entered human history to deliver the message, 'Hello, it's winter'?" "That's harsh, Mary," said the woman. "Remember, your son could make it big in midwinter festivals, if he doesn't push the religion thing too far. Centuries from now, in nations yet unborn, people will give each other pricey gifts and have big office parties on his birthday. That's not chopped liver." "Let me get back to you," Mary said.
