JOKE OF THE MONTH
Do you have a joke or saying that is funny?
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Do you have a joke or saying that is funny?
Submit it to the webmaster
___________________________________________
January 2024
Time Flies
A drunk man walks inside a bar and says, "Happy New Year, everybody."
"It's June, you drunk," replies the waiter.
The drunk man looks at his watch and says, "Oh my god, my wife is going to kill me! I have never been so late in my life!"
Time Flies
A drunk man walks inside a bar and says, "Happy New Year, everybody."
"It's June, you drunk," replies the waiter.
The drunk man looks at his watch and says, "Oh my god, my wife is going to kill me! I have never been so late in my life!"
Dieting Resolutions:
2020: I will get my weight down below 160 pounds.
2021: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 180 pounds.
2022: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2023: I will work out every day.
2024: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week and eat fewer cookies.
2020: I will get my weight down below 160 pounds.
2021: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 180 pounds.
2022: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2023: I will work out every day.
2024: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week and eat fewer cookies.
Happy New Year 2024!
February 2024
The Game
On an overseas flight, a lawyer and an older man were in adjoining seats. The lawyer asked the senior if he’d like to play a little game. The older man was tired, and he told the lawyer he only wanted to sleep.
But the lawyer insisted the game was a lot of fun. “Here’s how it works,” he said. “I’ll ask you a question. If you can’t come up with the answer, you have to give me a dollar. Then it’s your turn to ask me one. But if I can’t answer it, I have to give you $20.”
The senior figured if he just got this over with, maybe he could get some sleep. So he agreed to play.
The first question from the lawyer was “How far apart are the earth and the moon?”
The senior stayed completely silent, reached for a dollar, and gave it to the lawyer. Then he said, “My turn. What walks upstairs backward and comes downstairs forward?”
The lawyer was stumped. He thought and thought. He tried to remember all the riddles he knew. He searched every corner of his brain. He even cheated and asked the flight attendants and other passengers.
Finally he gave up. He woke up the older man and gave him a twenty. The senior stuffed the twenty in his coat and went immediately back to sleep.
The lawyer couldn’t stand it. He woke up the older man and said, “I have to know. What walks upstairs backward and comes downstairs forward?”
The senior got out his wallet, gave the lawyer a dollar, and went back to sleep.
The Game
On an overseas flight, a lawyer and an older man were in adjoining seats. The lawyer asked the senior if he’d like to play a little game. The older man was tired, and he told the lawyer he only wanted to sleep.
But the lawyer insisted the game was a lot of fun. “Here’s how it works,” he said. “I’ll ask you a question. If you can’t come up with the answer, you have to give me a dollar. Then it’s your turn to ask me one. But if I can’t answer it, I have to give you $20.”
The senior figured if he just got this over with, maybe he could get some sleep. So he agreed to play.
The first question from the lawyer was “How far apart are the earth and the moon?”
The senior stayed completely silent, reached for a dollar, and gave it to the lawyer. Then he said, “My turn. What walks upstairs backward and comes downstairs forward?”
The lawyer was stumped. He thought and thought. He tried to remember all the riddles he knew. He searched every corner of his brain. He even cheated and asked the flight attendants and other passengers.
Finally he gave up. He woke up the older man and gave him a twenty. The senior stuffed the twenty in his coat and went immediately back to sleep.
The lawyer couldn’t stand it. He woke up the older man and said, “I have to know. What walks upstairs backward and comes downstairs forward?”
The senior got out his wallet, gave the lawyer a dollar, and went back to sleep.
March 2024
Where's the engineer?
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to hell."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they’ve got air-conditioning and flush toilets, escalators, elevators and so on ... and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, The Lord calls Satan on the telephone.
"So, how's it going down there in hell?" The Lord says.
"Hey, things are going great. We've got air-conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. There's no telling what our engineer is going to come up with next!" Satan says.
"What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should have never gotten down there. Send him back immediately!" The Lord says.
"No way! I like having an engineer on the staff — I'm keeping him!" Satan says.
"Send him back up here or I'll sue!" The Lord says.
Satan laughs uproariously and answers:
"Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
Where's the engineer?
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to hell."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they’ve got air-conditioning and flush toilets, escalators, elevators and so on ... and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, The Lord calls Satan on the telephone.
"So, how's it going down there in hell?" The Lord says.
"Hey, things are going great. We've got air-conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. There's no telling what our engineer is going to come up with next!" Satan says.
"What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should have never gotten down there. Send him back immediately!" The Lord says.
"No way! I like having an engineer on the staff — I'm keeping him!" Satan says.
"Send him back up here or I'll sue!" The Lord says.
Satan laughs uproariously and answers:
"Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
April 2024
Another Engineer
A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
Another Engineer
A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
Additional April Amusement:
May 2024
The Dress
Struggling to make ends meet on a first-call salary, the pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this?!"
"I was outside the store looking at the dress in the window, and then I found myself trying it on," she explained. "It was like Satan was whispering in my ear, 'You look fabulous in that dress. Buy it!'"
"Well," the pastor replied, "You know how I deal with that kind of temptation. I say, 'Get behind me, Satan!'"
"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said, 'It looks fabulous from back here, too!'"
The Dress
Struggling to make ends meet on a first-call salary, the pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this?!"
"I was outside the store looking at the dress in the window, and then I found myself trying it on," she explained. "It was like Satan was whispering in my ear, 'You look fabulous in that dress. Buy it!'"
"Well," the pastor replied, "You know how I deal with that kind of temptation. I say, 'Get behind me, Satan!'"
"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said, 'It looks fabulous from back here, too!'"
June 2024
The Taxi Ride
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.
For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver — I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
The Taxi Ride
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.
For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver — I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
July 2024
Snake and Frog
I went fishing this morning, but after a short time, I ran out of worms. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth snake with a frog in his mouth.
“Frogs are good bass bait,” I thought to myself.
Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth; I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog from his mouth, and put it in my bait bucket.
Just then, I realized I had a problem, how was I going to release the snake without getting bit?
So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniel’s and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. The snakes' eyes rolled back and he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog as bait.
A little later, I felt a nudge at my foot. There was that same snake with two more frogs in his mouth.
Life is good in the South.
Snake and Frog
I went fishing this morning, but after a short time, I ran out of worms. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth snake with a frog in his mouth.
“Frogs are good bass bait,” I thought to myself.
Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth; I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog from his mouth, and put it in my bait bucket.
Just then, I realized I had a problem, how was I going to release the snake without getting bit?
So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniel’s and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. The snakes' eyes rolled back and he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog as bait.
A little later, I felt a nudge at my foot. There was that same snake with two more frogs in his mouth.
Life is good in the South.
August 2024
Young Minds
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?”
“Eight”, the boy replied.
The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”
The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four.”
“Oh, really?” the pharmacist replied with a grin.
“Yes.” The boy said. “We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do none of those.”
Young Minds
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?”
“Eight”, the boy replied.
The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”
The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four.”
“Oh, really?” the pharmacist replied with a grin.
“Yes.” The boy said. “We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do none of those.”
September 2024
Two Cajun Pastors
Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time Pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the Minister of the Covenant Church across the road.
They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground that read:
‘Da End is Near, Turn Yo Sef ‘Roun Now Afore It Be Too Late!’
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, ‘You religious nuts!’
From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash….
Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, ‘Do ya tink maybe da sign should jussay….
‘Bridge Out?’
Two Cajun Pastors
Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time Pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the Minister of the Covenant Church across the road.
They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground that read:
‘Da End is Near, Turn Yo Sef ‘Roun Now Afore It Be Too Late!’
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, ‘You religious nuts!’
From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash….
Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, ‘Do ya tink maybe da sign should jussay….
‘Bridge Out?’
October 2024
The Buddhist Loves Tofu Hot Dogs
"Make me one with everything," says the Buddhist to the tofu hot dog vendor.
Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a $20 bill.
The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer.
The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, "Where is my change?"
The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."
The Buddhist Loves Tofu Hot Dogs
"Make me one with everything," says the Buddhist to the tofu hot dog vendor.
Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a $20 bill.
The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer.
The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, "Where is my change?"
The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."
November 2024
Thanksgiving Miracle
For the past 15 years, Bob and Martha have been married. Bob used to wake up every morning for the past 15 years, release gas loudly and proudly, roll onto his back, and got out of bed to go to work.
And every morning for the past 15 years, Martha has told him, “One of these days, you’re going to gas your guts out!”
But this has had no effect on Bob, who has gone about his morning routine as usual.
Martha is fed up with this, and one Thanksgiving morning, when she awoke early to get things ready, she had a prank idea while preparing the turkey.
She crept upstairs before Bob got up and stuffed the turkey innards into his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself.
Bob awoke later that morning with glee and went through his usual morning ritual.
As Bob jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom, Martha heard a scream.
She laughed to herself, but when Bob didn’t come out of the bathroom for a long time, she became concerned.
So she dashed upstairs and was about to knock on the bathroom door when Bob opened it and emerged, as pale as a ghost.
He said, “You were right, honey, you were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again.”
Thanksgiving Miracle
For the past 15 years, Bob and Martha have been married. Bob used to wake up every morning for the past 15 years, release gas loudly and proudly, roll onto his back, and got out of bed to go to work.
And every morning for the past 15 years, Martha has told him, “One of these days, you’re going to gas your guts out!”
But this has had no effect on Bob, who has gone about his morning routine as usual.
Martha is fed up with this, and one Thanksgiving morning, when she awoke early to get things ready, she had a prank idea while preparing the turkey.
She crept upstairs before Bob got up and stuffed the turkey innards into his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself.
Bob awoke later that morning with glee and went through his usual morning ritual.
As Bob jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom, Martha heard a scream.
She laughed to herself, but when Bob didn’t come out of the bathroom for a long time, she became concerned.
So she dashed upstairs and was about to knock on the bathroom door when Bob opened it and emerged, as pale as a ghost.
He said, “You were right, honey, you were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again.”
