JOKE OF THE MONTH
Do you have a joke or saying that is funny?
Submit it to the web master.
Do you have a joke or saying that is funny?
Submit it to the web master.
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January 2022
New Year’s Eve Party: Warning
Friends, please be careful! Last week I went to a Christmas party. I had a few beers, followed by a few cocktails, followed by a few shots….
I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit. That’s when I decided to do what I have never done before: I took a cab home.
Sure enough, there was a police road block on the way home, and since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.
This was both a great relief, and a surprise, because I had never driven a cab before. I don’t even know where I got it from and, now that it is in my garage, I don’t know what to do with it.
New Year’s Eve Party: Warning
Friends, please be careful! Last week I went to a Christmas party. I had a few beers, followed by a few cocktails, followed by a few shots….
I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit. That’s when I decided to do what I have never done before: I took a cab home.
Sure enough, there was a police road block on the way home, and since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.
This was both a great relief, and a surprise, because I had never driven a cab before. I don’t even know where I got it from and, now that it is in my garage, I don’t know what to do with it.
February 2022
Pig Farmers Unite
A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.
At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles apart, so they agreed to drive thirty miles each and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5:00 AM, loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, “How will I know if they are pregnant?”
The other farmer replied, “If they’re lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they’re pregnant. If they’re in the mud, they’re not.”
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them into the station wagon and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were worn out.
The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, “Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass.”
“Neither,” yelled his wife, “they’re in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn.”
Pig Farmers Unite
A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.
At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles apart, so they agreed to drive thirty miles each and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5:00 AM, loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, “How will I know if they are pregnant?”
The other farmer replied, “If they’re lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they’re pregnant. If they’re in the mud, they’re not.”
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them into the station wagon and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were worn out.
The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, “Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass.”
“Neither,” yelled his wife, “they’re in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn.”
March 2022
The Unlucky Pirate
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said:
“Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”
“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”
Bartender: “What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
Pirate: “Well, we were in a battle and I got his with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”
Bartender: “Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”
Pirate: “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really…”
Bartender: “What about that eye patch?”
Pirate: “Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock birds flew over. I looked up and one of them dropped a load in my eye.”
Bartender: “You’re kidding; you lost an eye just from bird poop?”
Pirate: “It was my first day with the hook.”
The Unlucky Pirate
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said:
“Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”
“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”
Bartender: “What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
Pirate: “Well, we were in a battle and I got his with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”
Bartender: “Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”
Pirate: “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really…”
Bartender: “What about that eye patch?”
Pirate: “Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock birds flew over. I looked up and one of them dropped a load in my eye.”
Bartender: “You’re kidding; you lost an eye just from bird poop?”
Pirate: “It was my first day with the hook.”
April 2022
Bad Parrot
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back, John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer for a few minutes; the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arm and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”
John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke up, very softly. “May I ask what the turkey did?”
Bad Parrot
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back, John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer for a few minutes; the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arm and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”
John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke up, very softly. “May I ask what the turkey did?”
May 2022
So Drunk, He Can't Stand Up
...An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.
When he arrives at the door, he attempts to stand up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"
"Why do you say that?" he asks innocently.
"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."
So Drunk, He Can't Stand Up
...An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.
When he arrives at the door, he attempts to stand up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"
"Why do you say that?" he asks innocently.
"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."
June 2022
The Geography of a Woman as She Ages:
Between 18 and 22, a Woman is like Africa; half discovered, and half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a Woman is like Europe; well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a Woman is like Spain; very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a Woman is like Greece; gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a Woman is like Great Britain; with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a Woman is like Israel; has been through war, doesn’t make the same mistake twice, and takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a Woman is like Canada; self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet; wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages spirit, and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN:
Between 1 and 100, a man is like North Korea and Russia; Ruled by a pair of nuts!
July 2022
2 Smiles for July
2 Smiles for July
Have some Peanuts!
An old lady gets on the bus and soon after offers the bus driver some peanuts....
so the driver happily munches them.
Every 5 minutes she gives him a handful more peanuts..
Driver: "Why don't you eat them yourself?"
Old Lady: "I can't chew. Look, I have no teeth."
Driver: "Then why do you buy them?"
Old Lady: "Oh, I just love the chocolate around them."
An old lady gets on the bus and soon after offers the bus driver some peanuts....
so the driver happily munches them.
Every 5 minutes she gives him a handful more peanuts..
Driver: "Why don't you eat them yourself?"
Old Lady: "I can't chew. Look, I have no teeth."
Driver: "Then why do you buy them?"
Old Lady: "Oh, I just love the chocolate around them."
August 2022
The Toilet Seat
My wife, Judy, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet.
Finally, I got around to doing it while Judy was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came home and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.
Judy wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (try to get a mental picture of this.)
Judy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, “Well, Doctor, I’ll bet you’ve never seen anything like this before.”
The Doctor replied, “Actually, I’ve seen lots of them, I just never saw one mounted and framed.”
The Toilet Seat
My wife, Judy, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet.
Finally, I got around to doing it while Judy was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came home and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.
Judy wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (try to get a mental picture of this.)
Judy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, “Well, Doctor, I’ll bet you’ve never seen anything like this before.”
The Doctor replied, “Actually, I’ve seen lots of them, I just never saw one mounted and framed.”
September 2022
LEAVING EARLY
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. “No way,” the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday!”
LEAVING EARLY
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. “No way,” the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday!”
October 2022
Old Man Crashed
An old man crashed his car into a very expensive automobile. The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says “Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!”
The old man replies, “Woah wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me call my son, he trains dolphins.”
The old man dials his son, as he is about to speak, the owner of the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says “So you train dolphins; well your old man just hit and damaged my car. You bring me $10,000 or I’m gonna beat the heck outta him and you!”
The son answers “Okay, give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.” In exactly 15 minutes the son pulls up in a Jeep, five men jump out and beat the heck out of the expensive car owner.
Meanwhile, the son walks over to his father and says “Dad, I train Navy Seals, not dolphins.”
Old Man Crashed
An old man crashed his car into a very expensive automobile. The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says “Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!”
The old man replies, “Woah wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me call my son, he trains dolphins.”
The old man dials his son, as he is about to speak, the owner of the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says “So you train dolphins; well your old man just hit and damaged my car. You bring me $10,000 or I’m gonna beat the heck outta him and you!”
The son answers “Okay, give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.” In exactly 15 minutes the son pulls up in a Jeep, five men jump out and beat the heck out of the expensive car owner.
Meanwhile, the son walks over to his father and says “Dad, I train Navy Seals, not dolphins.”
November 2022
Thanksgiving Solution
Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years.
Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, passed gas loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work.
And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, “One of these days, you’re gonna fart your guts out!” But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.
Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgiving morning when she got up early to get things ready, she got an idea while preparing the turkey.
Before Bob got up, she crept upstairs and placed the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself as she did so.
A little later that morning, Bob woke up and went through his usual morning ritual with glee. Martha heard a scream as Bob jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom.
She laughed to herself, but when Bob didn’t reappear from the bathroom for a long time she started to get concerned.
So she ran upstairs, and was just about to knock on the bathroom door, when Bob opened it and came out, pale as a ghost.
He said, “You were right, honey, you were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of Heaven and these two fingers I got them back up there again.”
Thanksgiving Solution
Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years.
Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, passed gas loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work.
And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, “One of these days, you’re gonna fart your guts out!” But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.
Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgiving morning when she got up early to get things ready, she got an idea while preparing the turkey.
Before Bob got up, she crept upstairs and placed the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself as she did so.
A little later that morning, Bob woke up and went through his usual morning ritual with glee. Martha heard a scream as Bob jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom.
She laughed to herself, but when Bob didn’t reappear from the bathroom for a long time she started to get concerned.
So she ran upstairs, and was just about to knock on the bathroom door, when Bob opened it and came out, pale as a ghost.
He said, “You were right, honey, you were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of Heaven and these two fingers I got them back up there again.”
December 2022
Christmas Tinsel Purchase
Jennifer was a pretty 18 year old girl. In the week before Christmas she sauntered up to the curtain counter, and was trying to decide which of the many types of tinsel she would buy.
Finally, she made her choice and asked the young man who was manning the fabric section. 'How much is this gold tinsel garland'. The young man pointed to the Christmas mistletoe above the counter and said, 'This week we have a special offer, just one kiss per yard.
'Wow, that's great', said Jennifer, 'I'll take 12 yards.
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the boy measured out the tinsel, wrapped up the garland, and gave it to Jennifer.
She then called to an old man who had been browsing through the Christmas trees and said, 'My Grandpa will settle the bill.'
