JOKE OF THE MONTH
Do you have a joke or saying that is funny?
Submit it to the web master.
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Do you have a joke or saying that is funny?
Submit it to the web master.
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January 2017
Manuel and Sarah, a married couple for many years had been out shopping for most of the day. Suddenly Sarah realized that Manuel had "disappeared". Somewhat irate she called her husband's mobile phone and demanded, 'Where are you?'
Manuel answered “Darling, do you remember that little jewelry shop where you saw that beautiful diamond necklace and you totally fell in love with it but I didn't have the money at that time and I said "Darling it'll be yours one day?.”'
Sarah, tremulously, and very excited said ‘Yes, I do remember that my love.'
Manuel said, “Well I'm in the bar next to that shop.'
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Manuel answered “Darling, do you remember that little jewelry shop where you saw that beautiful diamond necklace and you totally fell in love with it but I didn't have the money at that time and I said "Darling it'll be yours one day?.”'
Sarah, tremulously, and very excited said ‘Yes, I do remember that my love.'
Manuel said, “Well I'm in the bar next to that shop.'
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February 2017
And How Do You Like Your Chicken?
The little moron saw a sign in the window of Big Momma's Restaurant, in West El Paso, that read 'Unusual Breakfast'. Always an adventurous eater, the little moron went in and sat down. Big momma’s daughter, Dorthy the waitress, brought him his pot of coffee and asked him what he wanted to eat.
'What's does your unusual breakfast include?' he asked politely.
'Baked tongue of chicken!' she replied with a grin.
'Baked tongue of chicken?... baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!' The little moron cried.
Undaunted, the Dorthy asked, 'What would you like then?'
'Oh, just bring me some scrambled eggs, the little moron replied.
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The little moron saw a sign in the window of Big Momma's Restaurant, in West El Paso, that read 'Unusual Breakfast'. Always an adventurous eater, the little moron went in and sat down. Big momma’s daughter, Dorthy the waitress, brought him his pot of coffee and asked him what he wanted to eat.
'What's does your unusual breakfast include?' he asked politely.
'Baked tongue of chicken!' she replied with a grin.
'Baked tongue of chicken?... baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!' The little moron cried.
Undaunted, the Dorthy asked, 'What would you like then?'
'Oh, just bring me some scrambled eggs, the little moron replied.
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March 2017
Trees to my left, trees to my right
A lady had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My Goodness!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Why, yes, officer, I'm just fine" the lady chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the lady began. "I was driving along this road when I started to doze off. When I woke up this TREE from out of nowhere pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...." "Uh, ma'am, 'the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth on your rear view mirror."
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A lady had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My Goodness!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Why, yes, officer, I'm just fine" the lady chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the lady began. "I was driving along this road when I started to doze off. When I woke up this TREE from out of nowhere pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...." "Uh, ma'am, 'the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth on your rear view mirror."
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APRIL 2017
Computers......
A man, Manuel left Wisconsin for a vacation in Florida. His wife, Sally was on a business trip in New York and planned to fly down to meet him the next day. When Manuel arrived in Florida he e-mailed Sally to let her know he had arrived, but accidentally sent it to the wrong e-mail address. Instead of going to his wife his e-mail went to the inbox of a woman whose husband had just passed away. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail she screamed and fainted. Her son rushed into the room and found this message displayed on her computer screen: "My darling wife: I just checked in, everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow. I'm looking forward to seeing you again. Your loving husband. p.s. Sure is hot down here."
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Computers......
A man, Manuel left Wisconsin for a vacation in Florida. His wife, Sally was on a business trip in New York and planned to fly down to meet him the next day. When Manuel arrived in Florida he e-mailed Sally to let her know he had arrived, but accidentally sent it to the wrong e-mail address. Instead of going to his wife his e-mail went to the inbox of a woman whose husband had just passed away. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail she screamed and fainted. Her son rushed into the room and found this message displayed on her computer screen: "My darling wife: I just checked in, everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow. I'm looking forward to seeing you again. Your loving husband. p.s. Sure is hot down here."
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MAY 2017
2 Boys
A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.
The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"
At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"
The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"
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2 Boys
A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.
The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"
At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"
The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"
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June 2017
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Three engineers and three accountants
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
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July 2017
The Helpful Son
An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work.
His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.
Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the Money!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any money.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do from here."
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An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work.
His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.
Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the Money!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any money.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do from here."
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August 2017
Good Deeds
A man appears before St. Peter at the Gates of Heaven. "Have you done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
The man did not hesitate to say "Absolutely, on a trip near Reno I met a group of bikers from California who were threatening a lady. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. I walked up to the biggest, meanest-looking biker and kicked his bike over before punching him in the face and kicking him hard in the shin. I yelled 'Now back off or I'll beat the tar out of all of you!'"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"A couple of minutes ago."
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A man appears before St. Peter at the Gates of Heaven. "Have you done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
The man did not hesitate to say "Absolutely, on a trip near Reno I met a group of bikers from California who were threatening a lady. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. I walked up to the biggest, meanest-looking biker and kicked his bike over before punching him in the face and kicking him hard in the shin. I yelled 'Now back off or I'll beat the tar out of all of you!'"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"A couple of minutes ago."
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September 2017
FBI Badge
A rancher was minding his own business when an FBI agent came up up to him and said, "We got a tip that you may be growing illegal drugs on the premises. Do you mind if I take a look around?"
The old rancher replied, "That's fine, you shouldn't go over there though." As he pointed at one of his fields.
The FBI agent snapped at him, "I'm am a federal agent! I can go wherever I want!" With that he pulled out his badge and shoved it into the ranchers face.
The rancher shrugged this off and continued with his daily chores. About 15 minutes later he heard a loud scream from the field he had pointed out earlier. All of a sudden he could see the FBI agent sprinting towards him with a large bull on his heels.
The rancher rushed to the fence and yelled, "Your badge! Show your badge to the bull!"
A rancher was minding his own business when an FBI agent came up up to him and said, "We got a tip that you may be growing illegal drugs on the premises. Do you mind if I take a look around?"
The old rancher replied, "That's fine, you shouldn't go over there though." As he pointed at one of his fields.
The FBI agent snapped at him, "I'm am a federal agent! I can go wherever I want!" With that he pulled out his badge and shoved it into the ranchers face.
The rancher shrugged this off and continued with his daily chores. About 15 minutes later he heard a loud scream from the field he had pointed out earlier. All of a sudden he could see the FBI agent sprinting towards him with a large bull on his heels.
The rancher rushed to the fence and yelled, "Your badge! Show your badge to the bull!"
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October 2017
The Two Pilots
Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport property. Just as it begins to look as though the plane will plow straight into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines and books, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
Meanwhile, in the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, 'You know, Jimmy, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!'
The Two Pilots
Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport property. Just as it begins to look as though the plane will plow straight into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines and books, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
Meanwhile, in the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, 'You know, Jimmy, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!'
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NOVEMBER 2017
Size??
Debbie was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day meal, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, Jimmy. “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
“No, ma’am. They’re dead.”
Size??
Debbie was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day meal, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, Jimmy. “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
“No, ma’am. They’re dead.”
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DECEMBER 2017
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a very pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "My Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
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Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a very pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "My Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
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