JOKE OF THE MONTH
Do you have a joke or saying that is funny?
Submit it to the web master.
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Do you have a joke or saying that is funny?
Submit it to the web master.
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January 2018
3 drunk guys enterd a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us.
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February 2018
Three old maids die and arrive in heaven at the same time. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, then one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, dark hair, and muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word and walks away.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
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Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, then one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, dark hair, and muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word and walks away.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
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March 2018
A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room, returning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet took the dog out, but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but like I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150! she cried, $150 just to tell me my bird is dead!!" The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been $20, but what with the Lab report and the Cat scan......"
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April 2018
An art thief once stole some very expensive paintings from the Louvre in Paris. He took two Van Goghs, a couple Monets, a DeGas, and many others.
Everything went perfectly, except he was captured sitting in his van with the paintings only 2 blocks from the museum. His van had run out of fuel!
When asked by the police how he could plan such a successful robbery and then be foiled by such a simple error, he replied...
'I had no MONET to buy DEGAS to make the VAN GOGH!'
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An art thief once stole some very expensive paintings from the Louvre in Paris. He took two Van Goghs, a couple Monets, a DeGas, and many others.
Everything went perfectly, except he was captured sitting in his van with the paintings only 2 blocks from the museum. His van had run out of fuel!
When asked by the police how he could plan such a successful robbery and then be foiled by such a simple error, he replied...
'I had no MONET to buy DEGAS to make the VAN GOGH!'
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May 2018
“My great-grandma gave me this money,” said my three-year-old, happily clutching a $20 bill she’d gotten as a present.
“That’s right,” I said. “How did you know that?”
Pointing to Andrew Jackson’s face in the middle, she said, “Because her picture is on it.”
“My great-grandma gave me this money,” said my three-year-old, happily clutching a $20 bill she’d gotten as a present.
“That’s right,” I said. “How did you know that?”
Pointing to Andrew Jackson’s face in the middle, she said, “Because her picture is on it.”
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JUNE 2018
Police Officer to Jimmy: Where do you live?
Jimmy: With my parents the boy answers.
OK, the cop says where do your parents live?
With me Jimmy again answers.
Now the cop asks, Where do you all live?
Jimmy says:Together.
Police: Where is your house?
Jimmy: Next to my neighbors house.
Police: Where is your neighbors house?
Jimmy: You won't believe me if I tell you.
Police: Tell Me!
Jimmy: Next to my house.
The Police officer decides to give up and walk away.
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Police Officer to Jimmy: Where do you live?
Jimmy: With my parents the boy answers.
OK, the cop says where do your parents live?
With me Jimmy again answers.
Now the cop asks, Where do you all live?
Jimmy says:Together.
Police: Where is your house?
Jimmy: Next to my neighbors house.
Police: Where is your neighbors house?
Jimmy: You won't believe me if I tell you.
Police: Tell Me!
Jimmy: Next to my house.
The Police officer decides to give up and walk away.
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July 2018
A funeral service is being held in a chuch for Samantha who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carrying the casket accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that Samantha is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end the pallbearers are again carrying the casket out. As they are walking, the husband, Jimmy calls out, "Watch out for the wall!"
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August 2018
Two boys were walking home from church after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad"
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The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad"
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September 2018
A little boy looks at his mother at a wedding and says, “Mom, why is the girl dressed all in white?”
His mother answers, “The girls is called a bride and she is in white because she’s very happy and this is the happiest day of her life.”
The boy nods and then says, “OK, and why is the boy all in black?”
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His mother answers, “The girls is called a bride and she is in white because she’s very happy and this is the happiest day of her life.”
The boy nods and then says, “OK, and why is the boy all in black?”
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October 2018
Trained Professionals
After his return from Rome, Jimmy couldn't find his luggage in the London Gatwick airport baggage area. So he went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that his bags hadn't shown up on the carousel. She smiled and told him not to worry because they were trained professionals and he was in good hands.
'Now', she asked Jimmy, 'has your plane arrived yet?'
After his return from Rome, Jimmy couldn't find his luggage in the London Gatwick airport baggage area. So he went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that his bags hadn't shown up on the carousel. She smiled and told him not to worry because they were trained professionals and he was in good hands.
'Now', she asked Jimmy, 'has your plane arrived yet?'
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November 2018
November 2018
Pa won't like it....
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Jimmie, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later." "That's mighty nice of you," Jimmie answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Jimmie thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Jimmie, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later." "That's mighty nice of you," Jimmie answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Jimmie thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."
_____________________________________________________________________December 2018
Shopping for Turkey
On the morning of Christmas Eve, a lady rummages through the last remaining turkeys in the supermarket freezer.
“Do they get any bigger by any chance?” she asks the shop assistant with a sigh.
He looks at her for a while and says, “No madam, they stop growing when they are harvested, they are quite dead.”
On the morning of Christmas Eve, a lady rummages through the last remaining turkeys in the supermarket freezer.
“Do they get any bigger by any chance?” she asks the shop assistant with a sigh.
He looks at her for a while and says, “No madam, they stop growing when they are harvested, they are quite dead.”
