JOKE OF THE MONTH
Do you have a joke or saying that is funny?
Submit it to the webmaster.
Do you have a joke or saying that is funny?
Submit it to the webmaster.
_____________________________________________________________________
January 2023
New Year's Eve: 11:57AM
A woman took an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?" He replied, "Aha, you'll know tonight!" At midnight, her husband handed her a small gift-wrapped present. Excited, she opened it quickly, but was even more surprised: In it was a book titled The Meaning of Dreams.
New Year's Eve: 11:57AM
A woman took an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?" He replied, "Aha, you'll know tonight!" At midnight, her husband handed her a small gift-wrapped present. Excited, she opened it quickly, but was even more surprised: In it was a book titled The Meaning of Dreams.
New Year's Eve: 11:57PM
On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, as the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
New Year's Eve: 12:10AM
My wife still hasn’t told me what my New Year’s resolutions are.
On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, as the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
New Year's Eve: 12:10AM
My wife still hasn’t told me what my New Year’s resolutions are.
February 2023
Hear Now
An elderly man was having hearing problems and went to see a specialist. The doctor fitted him with some hearing aids that brought his hearing back to full strength.
After a few weeks the man came back to make sure the new equipment was working properly, which it was.
The hearing specialist said, “It all seems perfect. Your family should be delighted you can hear everything now.”
“Oh no,” the man responded. “I haven’t told any of them. I just sit quietly, listening carefully. I’ve changed my will four times.”
Hear Now
An elderly man was having hearing problems and went to see a specialist. The doctor fitted him with some hearing aids that brought his hearing back to full strength.
After a few weeks the man came back to make sure the new equipment was working properly, which it was.
The hearing specialist said, “It all seems perfect. Your family should be delighted you can hear everything now.”
“Oh no,” the man responded. “I haven’t told any of them. I just sit quietly, listening carefully. I’ve changed my will four times.”
Corvette Owners Beware:
March 2023
Doug Gone
Doug lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His wife, his daughter and two sons, and his Doctor, are with him. He asks for two witnesses to be present and a lawyer to be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
“My son, Andy, you take the Ocean Reef Houses.”
“My daughter Sybil, take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier.”
“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center.”
“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bayside on Blackwater Sound”
The lawyer and witnesses are blown away as they didn’t realize how extensive his holdings.
Doug slips away, and the lawyer says, “Mrs. Jones, your husband must have been such a
hard working man to have accumulated all this property.”
The wife replies, “The idiot had a paper route.”
Doug Gone
Doug lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His wife, his daughter and two sons, and his Doctor, are with him. He asks for two witnesses to be present and a lawyer to be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
“My son, Andy, you take the Ocean Reef Houses.”
“My daughter Sybil, take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier.”
“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center.”
“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bayside on Blackwater Sound”
The lawyer and witnesses are blown away as they didn’t realize how extensive his holdings.
Doug slips away, and the lawyer says, “Mrs. Jones, your husband must have been such a
hard working man to have accumulated all this property.”
The wife replies, “The idiot had a paper route.”
April 2023
Cowboy at the Bar
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.”
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains.
“it’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.”
“It hasn’t affected my brothers though.”
Cowboy at the Bar
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.”
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains.
“it’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.”
“It hasn’t affected my brothers though.”
May 2023
Moving to Detroit
Bob was sitting on the plane waiting to fly to Detroit, when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, and moaning in fear.
"What's the matter?" Bob asked.
"I've been transferred to Detroit - I've heard the people are crazy there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."
Bob replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
Moving to Detroit
Bob was sitting on the plane waiting to fly to Detroit, when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, and moaning in fear.
"What's the matter?" Bob asked.
"I've been transferred to Detroit - I've heard the people are crazy there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."
Bob replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
June 2023
The Empire State Building...
Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building-by the time you fall to the tenth floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the tenth-floor window."
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way that could happen."
1st Man: "No it’s true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the tenth floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the tenth-floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one-time fluke."
1st Man: "No, I’ll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the tenth-floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
2nd Man: "Well what the hell, it works, I’ll try it." he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the eleventh, tenth, ninth, eighth floors... and hits the sidewalk with a ‘splat.’
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk."
The Empire State Building...
Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building-by the time you fall to the tenth floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the tenth-floor window."
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way that could happen."
1st Man: "No it’s true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the tenth floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the tenth-floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one-time fluke."
1st Man: "No, I’ll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the tenth-floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
2nd Man: "Well what the hell, it works, I’ll try it." he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the eleventh, tenth, ninth, eighth floors... and hits the sidewalk with a ‘splat.’
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk."
July 2023
The Robot
A father buys a lie detector robot that slapped people when they lied. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
At the table, he asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, “I did some schoolwork.” The robot slaps the son. The son says “Ok, Ok. I was at a friend’s house watching movies.”
Dad asks, “What movie did you watch?” Son says “Toy Story.” The robot slaps the son. Son says, “Ok, Ok. We were watching “dirty stuff”.”
Dad says, “What? At your age I didn’t even know what “dirty stuff” was.” The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, “after all, he is your son.” The robot slaps the mother.
Robot is now for sale.
The Robot
A father buys a lie detector robot that slapped people when they lied. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
At the table, he asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, “I did some schoolwork.” The robot slaps the son. The son says “Ok, Ok. I was at a friend’s house watching movies.”
Dad asks, “What movie did you watch?” Son says “Toy Story.” The robot slaps the son. Son says, “Ok, Ok. We were watching “dirty stuff”.”
Dad says, “What? At your age I didn’t even know what “dirty stuff” was.” The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, “after all, he is your son.” The robot slaps the mother.
Robot is now for sale.
August 2023
The Good Italian
A retired Italian winemaker went to his village church to make his confession for the first time in many decades. When the Priest opened the panel in the confessional, the man said – Father, during World War II a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy, so I hid her in my attic.
The Priest replied – that was a wonderful thing you did my son, you have no need to confess.
It’s worse than that Father; she quickly started to repay me with sexual favors.
People in wartime sometimes act in ways they wouldn’t under normal conditions. If you are truly sorry for your actions you are forgiven.
Thank you, Father, that’s a great load off my mind. May I ask a question – Should I tell her that the war is over?
The Good Italian
A retired Italian winemaker went to his village church to make his confession for the first time in many decades. When the Priest opened the panel in the confessional, the man said – Father, during World War II a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy, so I hid her in my attic.
The Priest replied – that was a wonderful thing you did my son, you have no need to confess.
It’s worse than that Father; she quickly started to repay me with sexual favors.
People in wartime sometimes act in ways they wouldn’t under normal conditions. If you are truly sorry for your actions you are forgiven.
Thank you, Father, that’s a great load off my mind. May I ask a question – Should I tell her that the war is over?
September 2023
The Happy Couple
A couple is driving...
...and gets pulled over.
Cop: Sir, you realize that you were speeding.
Husband: I’m sorry officer, I didn’t know.
Wife: What the heck, that’s a lie I’ve been telling him for miles!!
Husband: Shut up!! Shut up!! No one is talking to you!!
Cop: Ok then, did you know that your license plate was expired?
Husband: No Officer, I didn’t know.
Wife: He's lying!! I've been telling him for months!!
Husband: Shut the heck up WOMEN, nobody's talking to you!!!
Cop walks over to the wife's side and says
Cop: Mam, does he always talk to you this way?
Wife: No. only when he's drunk.
The Happy Couple
A couple is driving...
...and gets pulled over.
Cop: Sir, you realize that you were speeding.
Husband: I’m sorry officer, I didn’t know.
Wife: What the heck, that’s a lie I’ve been telling him for miles!!
Husband: Shut up!! Shut up!! No one is talking to you!!
Cop: Ok then, did you know that your license plate was expired?
Husband: No Officer, I didn’t know.
Wife: He's lying!! I've been telling him for months!!
Husband: Shut the heck up WOMEN, nobody's talking to you!!!
Cop walks over to the wife's side and says
Cop: Mam, does he always talk to you this way?
Wife: No. only when he's drunk.
October 2023
The Newlyweds
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was waxing his Corvette. His wife was standing nearby watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks:
“Tim, I’ve been thinking, now that we’re married maybe it’s time you sell your Corvette. You spend so much time with that car and the Corvette Club members. You could get a good price for the Corvette.”
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, “Darling, what’s wrong?”
“For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife.”
“Ex-wife!” she screams, “I didn’t know you were married before!”
“I wasn’t,” he replied.
The Newlyweds
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was waxing his Corvette. His wife was standing nearby watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks:
“Tim, I’ve been thinking, now that we’re married maybe it’s time you sell your Corvette. You spend so much time with that car and the Corvette Club members. You could get a good price for the Corvette.”
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, “Darling, what’s wrong?”
“For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife.”
“Ex-wife!” she screams, “I didn’t know you were married before!”
“I wasn’t,” he replied.
November 2023
The Phone Call
A man called up his adult daughter and told her the bad news: He and his wife were getting a divorce.
“But why, dad? What happened?” the daughter asked.
“I’ve been miserable for years and I just can’t take it anymore. I’ve packed my bags and I’m leaving tonight!” the father replied.
“Wait, dad! Don’t do anything drastic. I’m coming over to talk to you guys. Can you at least wait until tomorrow?” asked the daughter.
“OK, why don’t you bring John and the kids too? I’m sure your mom will want to see them,” the dad said.
“OK,” said the daughter. “See you then.”
The man hung up the phone, then said, “Honey! The kids are coming over for Thanksgiving!”
The Phone Call
A man called up his adult daughter and told her the bad news: He and his wife were getting a divorce.
“But why, dad? What happened?” the daughter asked.
“I’ve been miserable for years and I just can’t take it anymore. I’ve packed my bags and I’m leaving tonight!” the father replied.
“Wait, dad! Don’t do anything drastic. I’m coming over to talk to you guys. Can you at least wait until tomorrow?” asked the daughter.
“OK, why don’t you bring John and the kids too? I’m sure your mom will want to see them,” the dad said.
“OK,” said the daughter. “See you then.”
The man hung up the phone, then said, “Honey! The kids are coming over for Thanksgiving!”
December 2023
A Christmas Gift
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those fast sports cars."
"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Corvette?"
A Christmas Gift
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those fast sports cars."
"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Corvette?"
December 2023
An Axe to Grind
A boy begs his father to get him a Christmas tree this year.
Each year, the boy asks and the father tells him, "I don't
want to pay for it."
But the son kept begging. Unable to bear his son's whining,
he picks up his axe one day and heads out of the house.
Thirty minutes later he returns with a great big Christmas tree. "How did you cut it down so fast?" his son asks.
"I didn't cut it down," the father replies.
"I got it at a tree lot."
"Then why did you bring an axe?"
"Because I didn't want to pay for it."
An Axe to Grind
A boy begs his father to get him a Christmas tree this year.
Each year, the boy asks and the father tells him, "I don't
want to pay for it."
But the son kept begging. Unable to bear his son's whining,
he picks up his axe one day and heads out of the house.
Thirty minutes later he returns with a great big Christmas tree. "How did you cut it down so fast?" his son asks.
"I didn't cut it down," the father replies.
"I got it at a tree lot."
"Then why did you bring an axe?"
"Because I didn't want to pay for it."
