JOKE OF THE MONTH
Do you have a joke or saying that is funny?
Submit it to the web master.
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Do you have a joke or saying that is funny?
Submit it to the web master.
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September 2015
If my body was a car.
If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint is getting a little dull.....
But that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it.
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
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October 2015
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now...
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She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now...
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November 2015
Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson decided to go camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and after roasting their marshmallows they went to sleep.
Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
After Watson wiped the sleep from his eyes, Watson replied “I see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes said “And what do you deduce from that Watson?”
Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there it is possible there might also be life.”
Holmes said: “Watson you *$@# idiot, it means that someone stole our *S@# tent.”
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Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
After Watson wiped the sleep from his eyes, Watson replied “I see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes said “And what do you deduce from that Watson?”
Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there it is possible there might also be life.”
Holmes said: “Watson you *$@# idiot, it means that someone stole our *S@# tent.”
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DECEMBER 2015
My wife told me to hang up the Christmas lights.
I did, I don’t know why she is still complaining……….
Why I took the bus home this Christmas
(Letter to my friends and family)
Dear Friends and Family,
I would like to share an experience with all of you about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been very fortunate to have not had a brush with the police on our way home from a holiday party. Well, last night, I was very fortunate after a Christmas party with some very good friends.
Without a doubt, I had a few too many & knowing full well I may have been slightly over the legal limit, I did something I’ve never done before - I took a bus home.
I know you are saying that I was using my head by doing so.
I arrived home safely & without incident, which was a real surprise to me, as I have never driven a bus before. I am not sure where I got it, and am uncertain of how to return it.
Merry Christmas
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(Letter to my friends and family)
Dear Friends and Family,
I would like to share an experience with all of you about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been very fortunate to have not had a brush with the police on our way home from a holiday party. Well, last night, I was very fortunate after a Christmas party with some very good friends.
Without a doubt, I had a few too many & knowing full well I may have been slightly over the legal limit, I did something I’ve never done before - I took a bus home.
I know you are saying that I was using my head by doing so.
I arrived home safely & without incident, which was a real surprise to me, as I have never driven a bus before. I am not sure where I got it, and am uncertain of how to return it.
Merry Christmas
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JANUARY 2016
A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide right away.
The pharmacist naturally was concerned by such a request and asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?
The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he said, “I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against law! I’ll lose my license. They’ll throw us both in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You cannot have any cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well, now. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.
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The pharmacist naturally was concerned by such a request and asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?
The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he said, “I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against law! I’ll lose my license. They’ll throw us both in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You cannot have any cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well, now. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.
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FEBRUARY 2016
|
I stopped at some traffic lights earlier today, when what I believed to be a hooded thug, pulled up next to me in a black 2 door Honda civic with black tinted windows and very loud muffler.
The driver smirked at me through his window and started revving his engine inviting me to race him. As the lights hit green, I sped off smoking the tires whilst offering him an obscene jester. |
As I swung in front of him, I heard a big bang and crash as though he had smashed into something behind me.
I've been told I can never drive a hearse again.
I've been told I can never drive a hearse again.
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MARCH 2016
Louis and his wife, Jane were driving their brand new Corvette through Louisiana.
As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth for several miles, then they decided to stop for lunch.
At the counter, Louis and his wife were still arguing, they then asked the blonde waitress, Barbie "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?"
She leaned over the counter and said in her sweetest Southern draw, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing.”
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APRIL 2016
APRIL 2016
Four Worms in Church
A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good, clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol ... Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke ... Dead.
The third worm in chocolate syrup ... Dead.
The fourth worm in good, clean soil ... Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"
Gloria was sitting in the back of the church and quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
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MAY 2016
A registered nurse was addressing a large audience in a local University…
The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here long ago.
Red meat is full of steroids and dye.
Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High trans fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long term harm caused by germs in our drinking water.
But there's one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?
After several seconds of quiet, Jimmie, a 70-year-old man in the front row raises his hand, and softly says, “Wedding Cake.”
The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here long ago.
Red meat is full of steroids and dye.
Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High trans fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long term harm caused by germs in our drinking water.
But there's one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?
After several seconds of quiet, Jimmie, a 70-year-old man in the front row raises his hand, and softly says, “Wedding Cake.”
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JUNE 2016
Three mechanics were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The first mechanic finishes and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeds to dry his hands very carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried. Turning to the other two, he says, "At Ford, we are trained to be extremely thorough."
The second mechanic finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure that he dries his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turns and says, "At Jeep, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."
The third mechanic finished and walks straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder: "At Chevrolet, we don't pee on our hands."
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The second mechanic finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure that he dries his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turns and says, "At Jeep, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."
The third mechanic finished and walks straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder: "At Chevrolet, we don't pee on our hands."
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JULY 2016
Letter To My Darling Husband
Dear Jimmie,
Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not to bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from knitting class, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up truck fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry but I know with your kind hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweet heart. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
Tracey
XOXOXO
P.S. Here is a picture of your truck.
Dear Jimmie,
Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not to bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from knitting class, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up truck fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry but I know with your kind hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweet heart. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
Tracey
XOXOXO
P.S. Here is a picture of your truck.
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AUGUST 2016
Government Warning! Swallowing your gum can be harmful.
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September 2016
Management
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
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October 2016
The "Breakfast"
A trucker went into a truck stop restaurant to place his order. I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights, and a pair of running boards. The brand-new waitress, Iwanna, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and told Jimmy the cook. ”This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?” “No”, Jimmy said. “Three flat tires means three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards is two slices of crisp bacon!” “Oh..Ok!” replied the Iwanna. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, “What are the beans for?” She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards you might as well gas up!”
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November 2016
The "old prospector"
An old prospector shuffled into the town of El El Paso, Texas , leading an old tired mule. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance ... Never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.
Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 10 gauge barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's Ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir ... But... I've always wanted to."
There are a few lessons for us all here:
Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old folks, they didn't get old by being stupid.
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As he stood there a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance ... Never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.
Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 10 gauge barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's Ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir ... But... I've always wanted to."
There are a few lessons for us all here:
Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old folks, they didn't get old by being stupid.
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December 2016
The "Letter"
The "Letter"
